30+ Funny One-Liners That Will Certainly Make Your Friends Laugh

Everyone loves a good joke. A laugh is always beneficial especially at times when the awkward atmosphere is looming just close. But sometimes, we try to think of jokes that are way too long that end up not being a joke because the punchline is just too far to get to. So, how do we solve that? We rely on funny (or punny) one-liners that always do the trick.

• “Do Transformers get car or life insurance?” — Russell Howard

• “Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.” — Joan Rivers

• “I failed math so many times in school I lost count.” — Stewart Francis

• “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

• “I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.” — Rodney Dangerfield

• “I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.” — Rodney Dangerfield

• “I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’” – Tim Vine

• “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” — Stewart Francis

• “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” — Tom Ward

• “I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr

“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.” — Rodney Dangerfield

• “Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.” — Ed Byrne

• “Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

• “My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” — Les Dawson

• “My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang

• “People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’” – Bill Bailey

• “People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” — Joel Dommett

• “Two fish in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?'” — Peter Kay

• Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.

• Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.

• Every married person should forget their mistakes. There’s no point in two people remembering the same thing.

• How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.

• I ate a clock yesterday, and it was very time-consuming.

• I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

• I once saw two people wrapped in a barcode and had to ask, “Are you an item?”

• I went to buy camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any.

• I, for one, like Roman numerals.

• My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.

• My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

• What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.• What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.

Pro tip: one-liners can also be used even in the most casual conversations and they often go the way we want it. But when everything is coming your way — you’re in the wrong lane. 🤪