A smile often shares more than 1000 words: Here is a glorious selection of good, sometimes bad, jokes to smile or to laugh heartily!
In choosing the funniest jokes (according to Quora users), attention has been paid to quality to reach a certain level and to include only genuinely witty & astute jokes in this list.
A manager at Goldman Sachs has this to tell.
Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at Rs 20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50!
However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50.'
The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Welcome to 'Goldman Sachs'!
An avid hiker was trekking through the rural areas of the Southern US on a 3 month excursion, carrying his most basic necessities in a backpack and sleeping most nights under the open skies.
One evening, as he was passing a farm, it began to rain. The skies were dark and he knew he’d be in for a cold and wet night sleeping outdoors, so he decided to make his way to the farmhouse and ask for accommodations for the night.
He knocked on the farmer’s door and asked,
Hiker: “Hello, sir. I am hiking across the state and usually I sleep outside, but with the rain coming down, I wonder if I might be able to sleep in your barn tonight? In return, I have a gift for understanding animals and I will speak to yours and learn what they need to be more productive for your farm.”
Farmer: “You say you can talk to the animals, huh? Well, I don’t see the harm in that, so help yourself and have a good night.”
As promised the hiker spent a dry night in the farmer’s barn, chatting to the animals and learning all about their life on the farm. The next morning, the farmer came to the barn to check on his guest.
Farmer: “So, how did it go last night? Talk to the animals?”
Hiker: “Yes, sir. First, I spoke to the cows and they said that you milk them every day and it makes their udders sore. They said if you tried milking them every other day, they would be less stressed and give you more milk.”
Farmer: “You don’t say! I thought they weren’t giving enough milk and now I know why!”
Hiker: “Then, I talked to the chickens. They said that every day you take all of their eggs and it stresses them. They said they could give more eggs if you just took them every other day instead.”
Farmer: “Thanks! I’ll try that!”
Hiker: “Finally, I talked to the sheep and___”
Farmer: “DON’T LISTEN TO THE SHEEP, THEY’RE LIARS!!!”
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche, screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in Armani suit, Cerruti shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, Tag heur wrist watch and Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the Shepherd,' If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?'
The shepherd looks at the young man then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies 'Okay'.
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA website, scans the ground using his GPS,opens a database & 60 excel tables filled with algorithm & pivot tables. He then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini printer, turns to the shepherd and says,' You have exactly 1586 sheep'. The shepherd cheers, ' That's correct, you can have your sheep'.
The young man takes one of the animal from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks,' If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?'
The young man answers,' Yes,why not?'
The shepherd says, ' You are an Consultant'
'How did you know?' asks the young man.
'Very simple'answers the shepherd. ' Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee, to tell me something I already know. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business.... Now can I have my DOG back!
Santa decided to study for the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, one of his friends came home.
Friend: Santa, how is your MBA preparation?
Santa: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Friend: Logic is very easy.
Santa: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand?
Friend: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, there will be water in it.
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Santa: YES.
Friend: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Santa: YES.
Friend: so, logically, your are married.
Santa: YES.
Friend: So, that means you are a heterosexual.
Santa was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Banta who was also preparing for MBA.
Santa: How is your MBA preparation?
Banta: Everything is fine except for the logic.
Santa: Oh, logic is easy.
Banta: Please, give me an example.
Santa: Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Banta: NO, I don't.
Santa: Oh my God! That means you're gay!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, 'Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?'
Watson said, 'I see millions of stars.'
Holmes asks, 'And, what does that tell you?'
Watson replies, 'Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?'
Holmes retorts, 'Someone stole our tent.'
Came across this on facebook:
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of Swaggers, young, loud Justin Bieber Fans, shouting and singing , with posters of Justin Bieber new album in their hands 'JB I love you' spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly, they yelled, ' Baby baby Baby oohhh ' and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, ' Man...that could have been me !'
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Once a woman was playing golf in a dark forest. She hit the golf ball so hard that it got lost in the forest. She went in search of that ball (perhaps it was lucky for her).
She found the ball near a bush. As she kneeled to pick it up, She heard a voice
“I am stuck in the the bush. Help me and I will grant you three wishes.”
She saw that there was a frog in bush. In greed of three wishes she rescued the Frog.
So as according to the condition Frog asked,“Speak your three wishes. But there is a condition. Whatever wish you tell, your Husband would get 10 times more than you”
The woman agreed. And told her first wish,“Make me the most beautiful lady of the world.”
Frog warned, “This will make your Husbandthe most handsome Man in the world. Do you still want it?”
Woman told, “Yes. Because when I am the most beautiful, he would only see me.”
Frog, “Okay. Your wish is completed. Next one.”
Woman, after becoming most beautiful lady,“Okay now make me the richest Lady.”
Frog, “Think about it again.”
Woman, “Just do it. Because whatever belongs to my husband is mine.”
Frog, “Okay. Next.”
Woman, “Give me a slight Heart Attack.”
Frog, “Thin………..”
Woman, “Just do it.”
Frog, “Okay.”
Moral : Never mess with a Woman. They are very smart.
Special Request to Female Readers, STOP HERE. Joke ends for you.
Male readers, continue.
So, that lady's Husband got a Heart Attack, but 10 times slighter.
Moral: Women think they are Smart. Let them think, Nothing would change according to them.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon and shouts,
Baloonist : Excuse me, can you please help? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago but I don't know where I am.
Man : Yes you are in a balloon hovering approx.30 feet. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 deg West longitude.
Baloonist : You must be an engineer.
Man : I am, How did you know.
Baloonist : Well ! everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost.
Man : You must be a manager
Baloonist : I am. How did you know?
Man : Well, you don't know where you are. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the same position you were in, before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.
A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them 'You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go.' The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered 'Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I will shit on it.'
A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word 'definitely'. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, 'The sky is definitely blue'. The teacher said, 'Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy'. Another student says, 'Grass is definitely green.' The teacher again replies 'If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either.' Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher 'Do farts have lumps?' The teacher looked at him and said 'No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion.' So Billy replies, 'Then I definitely just shit my pants.'
A guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper and asks for a strong one. He drinks up and asks for another one. After quite a lot of drinks he walks over to a table where there are two men sitting, talking and drinking. 'I'll bet you guys 5000 bucks I can jump out that window and land safely on street below!'
The two men look at each other then agree to accept the bet. So the drunk walks to the window and jumps out. The two men can hardly believe their own eyes when they see him land safely on the street and again enter the building. 'How did you do it?!' they ask in amazement when he enters the bar again.
'Well, you see.' the drunk replies. 'There is this ventilation shaft straight below this window, and the stream of air is so strong, it slows you down enough to land safely on the grid. Why don't you try it yourselves?'
So, both the men hurry to the window and jump out, facing certain death as they hit the street at high speed.
At this point, the bartender walks up to the drunk and says: 'You're a real ass when you're drunk, Superman.'
A woman was pulled over for speeding. This is what happened:
Woman: Is there a problem Officer.
Officer: ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 Police cars circle her car. A Senior Officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Ma'am, could you step out of the vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my Officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes. Could you open the trunk of your car please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes Officer, here are the registration papers.
The Officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my Officers claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the Officer. The Officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you ma'am. One of my Officers told me that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
A fifteen year old Mexican boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
'Go get your Mother.'
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, 'Ok no! I'm in deep doodoo now!' Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, 'Wow, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. 'Whew', says the leopard. 'That was close. That dog nearly had me.'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine sunnuvabitch.'
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?' But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, 'Where's that damn monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!'
Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters’ vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, “Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?”
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation said, “Land mines.”
The moral of the story is said to be that behind every man is a smart woman.